The world they see: how children of different ages perceive death
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: August 10, 2025
In our newsfeeds, we see the jarring contrast: a photo of a child sleeping peacefully in a metro station, clutching a toy, followed by a report of casualties from shelling. Death has become a constant, uninvited backdrop to modern childhood. Its presence can no longer be silenced or ignored.
Children see and hear far more than we, as adults, often assume. But their understanding of death is profoundly different from our own. What we know as final and irreversible, a young child may perceive as temporary, or even fixable. Understanding this fundamental difference in perception is the first, most critical step for any adult trying to offer sensitive, meaningful support to a grieving child.
This article will help you navigate the inner world of a child experiencing loss, equipping you with the understanding needed to be their anchor in the storm. Read about how to structure a conversation in the article How to talk to a child about the death of a loved one: advice from a psychologist.
Three keys to their inner world
Before we look at specific ages, it's crucial to understand the cognitive frameworks a child uses to process their reality.
● Magical thinking: Young children do not yet grasp complex cause-and-effect. They may secretly believe that something they thought ("I was mad at Dad") or did ("I didn't hug him goodbye") somehow caused the death.● An egocentric worldview: This isn't selfishness; it's a developmental stage. Children naturally see themselves as the center of their own universe. Therefore, they may internalize the loss as something that happened because of them, leading to a heavy burden of guilt.● A belief in reversibility: The concept of "forever" is abstract. To a young child, death may seem like a long trip or a temporary sleep. They may keep asking when the person is coming back, not to be difficult, but because their mind simply hasn't formed the category for "permanent."
A guide to grief by age: understanding their perspective
INFANTS AND TODDLERS (0-2 YEARS)
Children this young don't understand the concept of death, but they are acutely sensitive to absence and change.
● What they feel: They register the change in their caregiver's emotional state (anxiety, sadness), the absence of a familiar voice or touch, the disruption of their daily routines, and the emotional tension in the home.
● Typical reactions: Unexplained crying, significant trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, actively looking for the person who has died, or becoming either withdrawn or excessively attached to their surviving caregivers.
● How to support them:- Offer abundant physical contact: hugs, holding, and gentle touch.- Be patient with regressions in sleep, feeding, or behavior.- Speak in a soft, calming tone. Even if they don't know the words, the rhythm is soothing.- Maintain their routine (feeding, naps, bathtime) as consistently as possible. Stability is their anchor.
PRESCHOOLERS (2-5 YEARS)
At this age, children often view death as temporary and reversible. They may think of the person as having "gone away" and believe they might return.
● Typical understanding: Their thinking is very concrete. They may be full of questions: "Where is he?" "When is she coming back?" They may also process their feelings through play, acting out games about "war," "funerals," or "doctors."
● Typical reactions: Regression to younger behaviors (needing a pacifier, bedwetting), intense fear that others will die, new fear of sleeping, nightmares, and increased irritability or clinginess.
● How to support them:- Use simple, clear, and honest language. "Daddy died. That means his body stopped working and he can't breathe or talk anymore."- Avoid confusing metaphors. Saying "Grandma fell asleep forever" or "went on a long trip" is terrifying. It can make a child afraid to go to sleep or fearful when you leave for work.- Reassure them that you are here and will continue to care for them.- Explain what will change and, just as importantly, what will stay the same.
EARLY SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN (6-9 YEARS)
Children in this stage are beginning to understand that death is final, but it takes time to fully grasp. They may still believe that death can be reversed or, crucially, that they somehow caused it.
● Typical understanding: Logical thinking is developing. They are starting to realize death is final and universal, but this new awareness brings with it feelings of guilt ("I wished he'd go away, and he did") and a new fear of their own or their loved ones' deaths.
● Typical reactions: Guilt, fear, nightmares, avoiding any talk of the deceased, or, conversely, an obsessive curiosity about the details of death.
● How to support them:- Help them name their feelings: "Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling angry?" Share your own in a manageable way: "I feel sad today because I was remembering a fun time Dad and I had. It's okay to be sad."- Gently relieve their guilt. Explain the cause of death in simple, concrete terms.- Allow them to participate in gentle farewell rituals: drawing a card, planting a flower in memory, or sharing a favorite story.
PRETEENS (10-13 YEARS)
Children this age fully understand that death is irreversible and inevitable. Their challenge is often hiding their powerful feelings to appear "strong" or to avoid upsetting other family members.
● Typical understanding: They have a full awareness of death's finality. They may be interested in the biological or practical details of what happened and may spend more time thinking about their own mortality.
● Typical reactions: Physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, sleep issues), anxiety, withdrawing from friends, loss of interest in hobbies, or isolating themselves.
● How to support them:- Answer their questions honestly, within their level of understanding.- Build trust. Show you are ready to listen whenever they are ready to talk, but do not force the conversation. Simple statements like, "I'm here if you ever want to talk about it," open the door.- Offer outlets for emotion, whether through talking, art, music, or physical activity.- Normalize their grief by sharing your own feelings, showing them that it's healthy to express sadness.
TEENAGERS (14-18 YEARS)
Adolescents can perceive death as a profound injustice, triggering an existential crisis. They may feel invincible one moment and utterly vulnerable the next, all while trying to grieve independently.
● Typical understanding: They engage in philosophical reflections about the meaning of life and death. They may experiment with risky behaviors as a way to cope with pain or feel "alive." They feel a strong need to find their ownway of mourning.
● Typical reactions: Emotional withdrawal, taking on excessive responsibility for the family, rebelling against an "unfair world," deep isolation, and a fear of showing vulnerability.
● How to support them:- Be ready for difficult, unanswerable questions.- Be honest, even if the answer is "I don't know." Saying "I don't know why this happened, but we will get through it together" is more powerful than a made-up answer.- Respect their need for privacy, but remain emotionally available. Let them know you are there.- Encourage professional or peer support if their grief seems to be interfering with their daily life.
Guiding principles for any age
The journey of understanding death begins with an infant recognizing physical absence and evolves into an adolescent's existential questions. There is no single "manual" that fits every child.
But across all ages, the most valuable thing you can do is adapt your support to their inner world.
● Be honest and clear: Use direct, age-appropriate words. Avoid euphemisms like “fell asleep forever,” “went on a long journey,” or “became a star.” These phrases are confusing and can create deep-seated fears.● Be patient: Children process in loops. They may ask the same questions over and over. This is a normal and necessary part of their brain trying to accept a new, painful reality.● Validate, don't "fix": Allow the child to express all their emotions. Show them that their feelings are normal and expected.● Create rituals: Create shared ways to honor the deceased-by looking at photo albums, telling happy stories, or creating a memory box.● Seek help: If a child's grief persists or significantly interferes with their daily life, seek guidance from a child psychologist or a support group.
By attuning your response to their developmental stage, you give them the two things that matter most: the feeling that they are understood and the profound, healing knowledge that they are not alone in their pain.
You are not alone on this path
Our organization offers free online psychological support groups for children aged 7–15 who have lost a relative due to the war.
Through the “Children of Fallen Soldiers” project, we provide a safe, professionally-moderated space for children to share their feelings, heal, and begin to restore their trust in the world.
Please visit our project page to register. We are here to help your child, and your family, navigate this difficult journey.
The world they see: how children of different ages perceive death
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: August 10, 2025
In our newsfeeds, we see the jarring contrast: a photo of a child sleeping peacefully in a metro station, clutching a toy, followed by a report of casualties from shelling. Death has become a constant, uninvited backdrop to modern childhood. Its presence can no longer be silenced or ignored.
Children see and hear far more than we, as adults, often assume. But their understanding of death is profoundly different from our own. What we know as final and irreversible, a young child may perceive as temporary, or even fixable. Understanding this fundamental difference in perception is the first, most critical step for any adult trying to offer sensitive, meaningful support to a grieving child.
This article will help you navigate the inner world of a child experiencing loss, equipping you with the understanding needed to be their anchor in the storm. Read about how to structure a conversation in the article How to talk to a child about the death of a loved one: advice from a psychologist.
Three keys to their inner world
Before we look at specific ages, it's crucial to understand the cognitive frameworks a child uses to process their reality.
● Magical thinking: Young children do not yet grasp complex cause-and-effect. They may secretly believe that something they thought ("I was mad at Dad") or did ("I didn't hug him goodbye") somehow caused the death.● An egocentric worldview: This isn't selfishness; it's a developmental stage. Children naturally see themselves as the center of their own universe. Therefore, they may internalize the loss as something that happened because of them, leading to a heavy burden of guilt.● A belief in reversibility: The concept of "forever" is abstract. To a young child, death may seem like a long trip or a temporary sleep. They may keep asking when the person is coming back, not to be difficult, but because their mind simply hasn't formed the category for "permanent."
A guide to grief by age: understanding their perspective
INFANTS AND TODDLERS (0-2 YEARS)
Children this young don't understand the concept of death, but they are acutely sensitive to absence and change.
● What they feel: They register the change in their caregiver's emotional state (anxiety, sadness), the absence of a familiar voice or touch, the disruption of their daily routines, and the emotional tension in the home.
● Typical reactions: Unexplained crying, significant trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, actively looking for the person who has died, or becoming either withdrawn or excessively attached to their surviving caregivers.
● How to support them:- Offer abundant physical contact: hugs, holding, and gentle touch.- Be patient with regressions in sleep, feeding, or behavior.- Speak in a soft, calming tone. Even if they don't know the words, the rhythm is soothing.- Maintain their routine (feeding, naps, bathtime) as consistently as possible. Stability is their anchor.
PRESCHOOLERS (2-5 YEARS)
At this age, children often view death as temporary and reversible. They may think of the person as having "gone away" and believe they might return.
● Typical understanding: Their thinking is very concrete. They may be full of questions: "Where is he?" "When is she coming back?" They may also process their feelings through play, acting out games about "war," "funerals," or "doctors."
● Typical reactions: Regression to younger behaviors (needing a pacifier, bedwetting), intense fear that others will die, new fear of sleeping, nightmares, and increased irritability or clinginess.
● How to support them:- Use simple, clear, and honest language. "Daddy died. That means his body stopped working and he can't breathe or talk anymore."- Avoid confusing metaphors. Saying "Grandma fell asleep forever" or "went on a long trip" is terrifying. It can make a child afraid to go to sleep or fearful when you leave for work.- Reassure them that you are here and will continue to care for them.- Explain what will change and, just as importantly, what will stay the same.
EARLY SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN (6-9 YEARS)
Children in this stage are beginning to understand that death is final, but it takes time to fully grasp. They may still believe that death can be reversed or, crucially, that they somehow caused it.
● Typical understanding: Logical thinking is developing. They are starting to realize death is final and universal, but this new awareness brings with it feelings of guilt ("I wished he'd go away, and he did") and a new fear of their own or their loved ones' deaths.
● Typical reactions: Guilt, fear, nightmares, avoiding any talk of the deceased, or, conversely, an obsessive curiosity about the details of death.
● How to support them:- Help them name their feelings: "Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling angry?" Share your own in a manageable way: "I feel sad today because I was remembering a fun time Dad and I had. It's okay to be sad."- Gently relieve their guilt. Explain the cause of death in simple, concrete terms.- Allow them to participate in gentle farewell rituals: drawing a card, planting a flower in memory, or sharing a favorite story.
PRETEENS (10-13 YEARS)
Children this age fully understand that death is irreversible and inevitable. Their challenge is often hiding their powerful feelings to appear "strong" or to avoid upsetting other family members.
● Typical understanding: They have a full awareness of death's finality. They may be interested in the biological or practical details of what happened and may spend more time thinking about their own mortality.
● Typical reactions: Physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, sleep issues), anxiety, withdrawing from friends, loss of interest in hobbies, or isolating themselves.
● How to support them:- Answer their questions honestly, within their level of understanding.- Build trust. Show you are ready to listen whenever they are ready to talk, but do not force the conversation. Simple statements like, "I'm here if you ever want to talk about it," open the door.- Offer outlets for emotion, whether through talking, art, music, or physical activity.- Normalize their grief by sharing your own feelings, showing them that it's healthy to express sadness.
TEENAGERS (14-18 YEARS)
Adolescents can perceive death as a profound injustice, triggering an existential crisis. They may feel invincible one moment and utterly vulnerable the next, all while trying to grieve independently.
● Typical understanding: They engage in philosophical reflections about the meaning of life and death. They may experiment with risky behaviors as a way to cope with pain or feel "alive." They feel a strong need to find their ownway of mourning.
● Typical reactions: Emotional withdrawal, taking on excessive responsibility for the family, rebelling against an "unfair world," deep isolation, and a fear of showing vulnerability.
● How to support them:- Be ready for difficult, unanswerable questions.- Be honest, even if the answer is "I don't know." Saying "I don't know why this happened, but we will get through it together" is more powerful than a made-up answer.- Respect their need for privacy, but remain emotionally available. Let them know you are there.- Encourage professional or peer support if their grief seems to be interfering with their daily life.
Guiding principles for any age
The journey of understanding death begins with an infant recognizing physical absence and evolves into an adolescent's existential questions. There is no single "manual" that fits every child.
But across all ages, the most valuable thing you can do is adapt your support to their inner world.
● Be honest and clear: Use direct, age-appropriate words. Avoid euphemisms like “fell asleep forever,” “went on a long journey,” or “became a star.” These phrases are confusing and can create deep-seated fears.● Be patient: Children process in loops. They may ask the same questions over and over. This is a normal and necessary part of their brain trying to accept a new, painful reality.● Validate, don't "fix": Allow the child to express all their emotions. Show them that their feelings are normal and expected.● Create rituals: Create shared ways to honor the deceased-by looking at photo albums, telling happy stories, or creating a memory box.● Seek help: If a child's grief persists or significantly interferes with their daily life, seek guidance from a child psychologist or a support group.
By attuning your response to their developmental stage, you give them the two things that matter most: the feeling that they are understood and the profound, healing knowledge that they are not alone in their pain.
You are not alone on this path
Our organization offers free online psychological support groups for children aged 7–15 who have lost a relative due to the war.
Through the “Children of Fallen Soldiers” project, we provide a safe, professionally-moderated space for children to share their feelings, heal, and begin to restore their trust in the world.
Please visit our project page to register. We are here to help your child, and your family, navigate this difficult journey.