How not to talk to children about death
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: August 20, 2025
When a child experiences a loss, adults look for the “right” words to soften the pain. Trying to protect the child from suffering, parents and relatives often resort to euphemisms, metaphors, and comforting phrases. But what feels like care and support can actually harm a child.
Children take language literally, and their imagination works differently from adults’. Words we consider delicate can trigger guilt, new fears, or false hope. Knowing which phrases to avoid helps adults choose honest, clear, and truly supportive language.
This article will help you spot the most common mistakes in talking with children about death and offer alternatives that do not traumatize but support.
“Stop-phrases” when talking to a child about a loved one’s death
Why it’s harmful: Children may fear literally losing their parents, as they lose toys. In their minds, “lost” means “can be found.”
Seven-year-old Maksym, after hearing his mother say “We lost Grandpa,” began searching the entire house - under beds, in closets, even in the fridge. “Where did we lose him? Maybe he’s at the neighbors?” he asked. Mom had to start over and explain.
Why it’s harmful: Children may become afraid that they or their loved ones will also “go on a trip” and never return. This can cause separation anxiety when parents go to work and a persistent sense of abandonment. Some children will keep waiting for the “traveler” to come back.
Five-year-old Solomiia, after being told that Dad “went on a long trip,” ran to the window every morning: “When will he come? Why doesn’t he call?” When Mom left for work, the girl had meltdowns: “Don’t go! What if you don’t come back?” The fear of separation grew so strong that Solomiia couldn’t even stay with her grandmother.
Why it’s harmful: Children may develop fear of God or fear of being “good.” Their logic is simple: if God takes good people, better be bad to stay alive.Eight-year-old Yaroslav, after being told “God took your aunt because she was very kind,” began behaving terribly - rude, defiant, doing bad things on purpose. When asked why, he said: “So God won’t take me. If I’m bad, I’ll stay with you.” A child psychologist had to explain the real nature of death.
Why it’s harmful: This can create paranoid feelings, fear of making mistakes, persistent guilt, and a trap around any “bad” behavior.
Nine-year-old Sonia, after hearing this about her late grandfather, became afraid to stay alone in a room. She refused to change clothes, fearing Grandpa was watching from above. She stopped playing with friends, thinking he judged her for having fun after his death. “I’m ashamed to laugh - what if Grandpa is angry I’m not sad?” she told her mother.
Why it’s harmful: Children may develop a fear of sleep, leading to insomnia and nightmares. If death equals sleep, then sleep becomes dangerous.
Six-year-old Artem, after being told his older brother “fell asleep forever,” refused to go to bed. He cried that he didn’t want to die. Only when a psychologist explained the connection did the parents understand. It took months of therapy to overcome his fear of sleep.
For more on age-specific understanding, see How Children of Different Ages Perceive Death: What to Consider in Conversation.
Phrases to avoid
Society offers many cliché “pep talks.” Psychologists urge caution: these stereotypes can harm a child.
How to talk to children about death properly
● Use simple, concrete words - say “died,” not euphemisms.
● Match the child’s age - account for how each developmental stage understands death.
● Avoid unnecessary details, but be clear enough so the child doesn’t imagine something even scarier.
For more on informing a child about a loved one’s death, see How to Tell a Child About the Death of a Loved One: Advice from a Psychologist.
How to truly support a child
● Instead of banning emotions, give permission: “It’s okay to be sad and to cry. I’m here.”● Instead of adult responsibility, offer safety: “I will take care of you. Your job is to grow and be a child.”● Instead of forgetting, foster memory: “We will always remember Dad, and we can talk about him.”● Instead of rushing ‘recovery,’ allow time: “Grieving is normal. Everyone has their own pace for healing.”
The biggest mistake adults make is trying to protect a child from pain by keeping silent or softening the truth. Children have the right to age-appropriate truth and the right to grieve in their own way.
Honest, specific words spoken with love are always better than comforting lies. Your presence, patience, and willingness to answer hard questions are what truly help a child move through grief without losing trust in the world and in loved ones.
Remember: there are no perfect words to announce a death. But there are words that do less harm - and your sincere presence with the child in their pain matters most.
If you and your child need professional support, the NGO “Important” offers free online psychological support groups for children aged 7–15 who have lost relatives due to the war. It’s a safe space for support, expressing feelings, and restoring trust in the world.
How not to talk to children about death
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: August 20, 2025
When a child experiences a loss, adults look for the “right” words to soften the pain. Trying to protect the child from suffering, parents and relatives often resort to euphemisms, metaphors, and comforting phrases. But what feels like care and support can actually harm a child.
Children take language literally, and their imagination works differently from adults’. Words we consider delicate can trigger guilt, new fears, or false hope. Knowing which phrases to avoid helps adults choose honest, clear, and truly supportive language.
This article will help you spot the most common mistakes in talking with children about death and offer alternatives that do not traumatize but support.
“Stop-phrases” when talking to a child about a loved one’s death
Why it’s harmful: Children may fear literally losing their parents, as they lose toys. In their minds, “lost” means “can be found.”
Seven-year-old Maksym, after hearing his mother say “We lost Grandpa,” began searching the entire house - under beds, in closets, even in the fridge. “Where did we lose him? Maybe he’s at the neighbors?” he asked. Mom had to start over and explain.
Why it’s harmful: Children may become afraid that they or their loved ones will also “go on a trip” and never return. This can cause separation anxiety when parents go to work and a persistent sense of abandonment. Some children will keep waiting for the “traveler” to come back.
Five-year-old Solomiia, after being told that Dad “went on a long trip,” ran to the window every morning: “When will he come? Why doesn’t he call?” When Mom left for work, the girl had meltdowns: “Don’t go! What if you don’t come back?” The fear of separation grew so strong that Solomiia couldn’t even stay with her grandmother.
Why it’s harmful: Children may develop fear of God or fear of being “good.” Their logic is simple: if God takes good people, better be bad to stay alive.Eight-year-old Yaroslav, after being told “God took your aunt because she was very kind,” began behaving terribly - rude, defiant, doing bad things on purpose. When asked why, he said: “So God won’t take me. If I’m bad, I’ll stay with you.” A child psychologist had to explain the real nature of death.
Why it’s harmful: This can create paranoid feelings, fear of making mistakes, persistent guilt, and a trap around any “bad” behavior.
Nine-year-old Sonia, after hearing this about her late grandfather, became afraid to stay alone in a room. She refused to change clothes, fearing Grandpa was watching from above. She stopped playing with friends, thinking he judged her for having fun after his death. “I’m ashamed to laugh - what if Grandpa is angry I’m not sad?” she told her mother.
Why it’s harmful: Children may develop a fear of sleep, leading to insomnia and nightmares. If death equals sleep, then sleep becomes dangerous.
Six-year-old Artem, after being told his older brother “fell asleep forever,” refused to go to bed. He cried that he didn’t want to die. Only when a psychologist explained the connection did the parents understand. It took months of therapy to overcome his fear of sleep.
For more on age-specific understanding, see How Children of Different Ages Perceive Death: What to Consider in Conversation.
Phrases to avoid
Society offers many cliché “pep talks.” Psychologists urge caution: these stereotypes can harm a child.
How to talk to children about death properly
● Use simple, concrete words - say “died,” not euphemisms.
● Match the child’s age - account for how each developmental stage understands death.
● Avoid unnecessary details, but be clear enough so the child doesn’t imagine something even scarier.
For more on informing a child about a loved one’s death, see How to Tell a Child About the Death of a Loved One: Advice from a Psychologist.
How to truly support a child
● Instead of banning emotions, give permission: “It’s okay to be sad and to cry. I’m here.”● Instead of adult responsibility, offer safety: “I will take care of you. Your job is to grow and be a child.”● Instead of forgetting, foster memory: “We will always remember Dad, and we can talk about him.”● Instead of rushing ‘recovery,’ allow time: “Grieving is normal. Everyone has their own pace for healing.”
The biggest mistake adults make is trying to protect a child from pain by keeping silent or softening the truth. Children have the right to age-appropriate truth and the right to grieve in their own way.
Honest, specific words spoken with love are always better than comforting lies. Your presence, patience, and willingness to answer hard questions are what truly help a child move through grief without losing trust in the world and in loved ones.
Remember: there are no perfect words to announce a death. But there are words that do less harm - and your sincere presence with the child in their pain matters most.
If you and your child need professional support, the NGO “Important” offers free online psychological support groups for children aged 7–15 who have lost relatives due to the war. It’s a safe space for support, expressing feelings, and restoring trust in the world.