How to talk to a child about the death of a loved one: advice from a psychologist
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: July 11, 2025
Telling a child that someone they love has died is one of the heaviest and most painful conversations a parent will ever have. Overwhelmed by their own heartbreak, many adults avoid the conversation, unsure how to speak about loss.
Yet, it is precisely this honest, gentle conversation that allows a child to take the first, necessary step in grieving. It is the single most important act to prevent long-term emotional complications and show them they are not alone.
Why we must talk about death
The story of 14-year-old Andrii shows the danger of silence. When he and his parents fled their occupied hometown, his entire life was left behind-including his best friend. Communication stopped. Later, his parents learned the friend had been killed, but they decided not to tell Andrii.
They were drowning in their own grief; his grandmother had also died after refusing to evacuate, and they couldn't even bury her. His father was drafted. The atmosphere at home grew heavy and silent. His mother hid her tears. Andrii, meanwhile, was consumed by an unexplained guilt. He lashed out, was rude to his mother and teachers, started smoking, and skipped school. He was convinced no one cared how much he was hurting.
It wasn't until Andrii joined a support group for teenagers-a space where he didn't have to "be strong"-that something changed. People just listened. There was no advice, no judgment. For the first time, he cried. That was the moment his healing began.
Losing a loved one is a profound shock. An adult's first instinct is to "protect" the child from that pain by avoiding the topic or delaying the conversation. But this "care through silence" is a false kindness. In reality, it can dramatically increase a child's anxiety, guilt, and emotional isolation.
Keep these key points in mind:
● Honesty builds trust. Openness is the foundation of support.● Children sense emotions. Even without words, they feel the tension and sadness. The silence doesn't protect them; it only confuses them.● Silence breeds self-blame. Without a clear explanation, children invent their own. Their "magical thinking" often leads them to a painful and incorrect conclusion: that it was somehow their fault.● Validating feelings promotes healing. When a child is allowed to cry, to remember, and to talk, they learn to process grief, not bury it inside or act it out in destructive ways.
Children can handle the truth-if it is shared with love, respect, and presence. Honest, age-appropriate explanations help them find the strength to go on. Silence only deepens their pain and isolation.
How not to talk to a child about death
In an attempt to soften the blow, adults often turn to metaphors: "Daddy turned into a cloud," "Mom became a star," or "Your brother is watching you from heaven."
This kind of imagery, while well-intentioned, can deeply confuse a child and complicate their understanding of reality.
We saw this with five-year-old Danyko, the son of a fallen soldier. His family told him his father "was on a cloud." Sometime later, Danyko had a painful, public meltdown at an airport. He had come to believe that if he could just get on a plane, he could fly up to the clouds, find his father, and bring him home. His literal interpretation of their words created a false hope-and a devastating, inevitable disappointment.
For more detail: See our article on "Phrases to Avoid When Talking to Children About Death."
A framework for an honest conversation
So, how do you tell a child about a death correctly? The key is to be clear, concrete, and reassuring.
● Be clear and direct. Start with the simple, unchangeable fact. "I have some very sad news to share. Your dad has died."● Explain what "death" means. Young children need a concrete, physical explanation. "When a person dies, their body stops working. The heart stops beating, the lungs don't breathe, and their body doesn't move anymore."● Explain the cause simply and truthfully. Avoid graphic details, but be honest. "There was a shelling, and dad was killed. It's so, so sad, but I am right here with you." Or, "Grandpa was very sick. The doctors tried hard to help, but the illness was too strong for his body."● Gently confirm the permanence. If the child thinks death is reversible, you must clarify. "Dad won't come back. We won't be able to see or hug him again, and that feels awful. But we can always, always talk about him."● Acknowledge the future. Talk about what this loss means. "Sometimes we are going to feel very, very sad. But we will always love dad, and our memories of him will always stay in our hearts."● Explain what will change and what will stay the same. "We may have to move, but you will take your toys and your bed. Grandma will take you to school now."● Emphasize stability and care. This is the most important message. "I am here. I will take care of you. We will get through this together."● Offer realistic hope. "Right now it's very hard, and it feels like it will always hurt this much. But that's not true. One day, we will smile again. Dad's love will always be with us."
The death of a loved one changes a child's life forever. But the truth, spoken with love, gives them the tools to heal rather than break. A child needs your presence, your honesty, and your belief that you will get through this together.
● What happened (the fact of death).● A simple explanation of the circumstances (without graphic details).● What this means for their everyday life.● How it will affect their future.● What will remain unchanged.● Who will be there to support them.
Only an adult who truly understands the child's world can help ease their pain and guide them forward.
You don't have to do this alone
If you and your child need professional support, please remember that our organization offers free online psychological support groups for children aged 7–15 who have lost relatives in the war.
Register via the “Children of Fallen Soldiers” project.
It is a safe, professionally-guided space for children to express their emotions, begin to heal, and restore their trust in the world. Let us help you and your child through this difficult period.
How to talk to a child about the death of a loved one: advice from a psychologist
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: July 11, 2025
Telling a child that someone they love has died is one of the heaviest and most painful conversations a parent will ever have. Overwhelmed by their own heartbreak, many adults avoid the conversation, unsure how to speak about loss.
Yet, it is precisely this honest, gentle conversation that allows a child to take the first, necessary step in grieving. It is the single most important act to prevent long-term emotional complications and show them they are not alone.
Why we must talk about death
The story of 14-year-old Andrii shows the danger of silence. When he and his parents fled their occupied hometown, his entire life was left behind-including his best friend. Communication stopped. Later, his parents learned the friend had been killed, but they decided not to tell Andrii.
They were drowning in their own grief; his grandmother had also died after refusing to evacuate, and they couldn't even bury her. His father was drafted. The atmosphere at home grew heavy and silent. His mother hid her tears. Andrii, meanwhile, was consumed by an unexplained guilt. He lashed out, was rude to his mother and teachers, started smoking, and skipped school. He was convinced no one cared how much he was hurting.
It wasn't until Andrii joined a support group for teenagers-a space where he didn't have to "be strong"-that something changed. People just listened. There was no advice, no judgment. For the first time, he cried. That was the moment his healing began.
Losing a loved one is a profound shock. An adult's first instinct is to "protect" the child from that pain by avoiding the topic or delaying the conversation. But this "care through silence" is a false kindness. In reality, it can dramatically increase a child's anxiety, guilt, and emotional isolation.
Keep these key points in mind:
● Honesty builds trust. Openness is the foundation of support.● Children sense emotions. Even without words, they feel the tension and sadness. The silence doesn't protect them; it only confuses them.● Silence breeds self-blame. Without a clear explanation, children invent their own. Their "magical thinking" often leads them to a painful and incorrect conclusion: that it was somehow their fault.● Validating feelings promotes healing. When a child is allowed to cry, to remember, and to talk, they learn to process grief, not bury it inside or act it out in destructive ways.
Children can handle the truth-if it is shared with love, respect, and presence. Honest, age-appropriate explanations help them find the strength to go on. Silence only deepens their pain and isolation.
How not to talk to a child about death
In an attempt to soften the blow, adults often turn to metaphors: "Daddy turned into a cloud," "Mom became a star," or "Your brother is watching you from heaven."
This kind of imagery, while well-intentioned, can deeply confuse a child and complicate their understanding of reality.
We saw this with five-year-old Danyko, the son of a fallen soldier. His family told him his father "was on a cloud." Sometime later, Danyko had a painful, public meltdown at an airport. He had come to believe that if he could just get on a plane, he could fly up to the clouds, find his father, and bring him home. His literal interpretation of their words created a false hope-and a devastating, inevitable disappointment.
For more detail: See our article on "Phrases to Avoid When Talking to Children About Death."
A framework for an honest conversation
So, how do you tell a child about a death correctly? The key is to be clear, concrete, and reassuring.
● Be clear and direct. Start with the simple, unchangeable fact. "I have some very sad news to share. Your dad has died."● Explain what "death" means. Young children need a concrete, physical explanation. "When a person dies, their body stops working. The heart stops beating, the lungs don't breathe, and their body doesn't move anymore."● Explain the cause simply and truthfully. Avoid graphic details, but be honest. "There was a shelling, and dad was killed. It's so, so sad, but I am right here with you." Or, "Grandpa was very sick. The doctors tried hard to help, but the illness was too strong for his body."● Gently confirm the permanence. If the child thinks death is reversible, you must clarify. "Dad won't come back. We won't be able to see or hug him again, and that feels awful. But we can always, always talk about him."● Acknowledge the future. Talk about what this loss means. "Sometimes we are going to feel very, very sad. But we will always love dad, and our memories of him will always stay in our hearts."● Explain what will change and what will stay the same. "We may have to move, but you will take your toys and your bed. Grandma will take you to school now."● Emphasize stability and care. This is the most important message. "I am here. I will take care of you. We will get through this together."● Offer realistic hope. "Right now it's very hard, and it feels like it will always hurt this much. But that's not true. One day, we will smile again. Dad's love will always be with us."
The death of a loved one changes a child's life forever. But the truth, spoken with love, gives them the tools to heal rather than break. A child needs your presence, your honesty, and your belief that you will get through this together.
● What happened (the fact of death).● A simple explanation of the circumstances (without graphic details).● What this means for their everyday life.● How it will affect their future.● What will remain unchanged.● Who will be there to support them.
Only an adult who truly understands the child's world can help ease their pain and guide them forward.
You don't have to do this alone
If you and your child need professional support, please remember that our organization offers free online psychological support groups for children aged 7–15 who have lost relatives in the war.
Register via the “Children of Fallen Soldiers” project.
It is a safe, professionally-guided space for children to express their emotions, begin to heal, and restore their trust in the world. Let us help you and your child through this difficult period.