Navigating the unseen: guiding our children through the loss of a parent in war
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: April 30, 2025
"Mom, why can't I do that?!"
A six-year-old boy’s cry echoes in the supermarket. He throws a candy wrapper on the floor, his small body trembling with an anxiety he cannot name.
The young woman quickly picks up the wrapper. She tries to hug her son, but he resists. "You're angry, and that's normal," she says quietly. "I'm here. We'll get through this."
The boy sobs, collapsing to the floor. "I want to see my dad! Why hasn't he come? You said he'd come back!"
The woman freezes, the public space fading away. She crouches beside him. "Let's buy your favorite juice," she whispers, "and we can talk about dad at home?" He nods slowly, letting his mother wipe his tears.
This moment is a glimpse into a private battlefield. Children who have lost a parent to war must navigate two realities at once: the external world, which keeps moving, and the internal world, a place of profound pain and the constant, echoing absence of their loved one.
They may still play, laugh, and go to school, but deep down, they are grappling with a loss that even adults struggle to comprehend.
Understanding their world: what childhood grief looks Like
There is no single "right" way to grieve, especially for a child. As psychologists, we see grief manifest in myriad ways. Some children fall silent, while others ask endless questions. Some "freeze," showing no emotion at all, while others, like the boy in the market, express their pain through anger, impulsivity, or defiance.
War forces children to grow up too soon. Often, they see the pain in their surviving parent's eyes and decide to hide their own grief, believing they must be "strong" to avoid causing more sadness.
It is crucial for guardians to recognize that these confusing behaviors are often grief in disguise.
● For children under 5: They may not understand the permanence of death and keep waiting for their parent to return.● For children aged 6-12: They begin to understand death's finality but may be plagued by "magical thinking," believing they are somehow at fault. Relieving this guilt is essential.● For teenagers: Their grief often looks like anger, depression, or a deep loss of trust in the world and its fairness.
Signs a child may be grieving silently
Because children often can't or won't articulate their feelings, their bodies and behaviors do it for them. Pay attention to:
● Developmental Regression: A child who was long potty-trained suddenly has accidents, or an older child insists on sleeping in an adult's bed.● "Frozen" Feelings: A complete lack of emotional reaction, as if the loss didn't happe● Physical Symptoms: Frequent, unexplained headaches or stomachaches, especially before school or social events.● Difficulty Concentrating: A sudden drop in grades, "forgetting" homework, or losing interest in activities they once loved.● Excessive Anxiety: A new, intense fear of being alone or a constant, pressing need to know where the surviving parent is.● Social Changes: Abruptly pulling away from old friends or, conversely, seeking out other children who have experienced a similar loss.
These are all normal, natural reactions. However, if a child remains "stuck" in one of these states, it is a sign they need supportive intervention.
How you can help: a path to healing
As a parent or guardian, you are the most important anchor in your child's life. Your support is their lifeline. Here are ways you can help them navigate this impossible journey.
1. Be Honest, Gently
It is a conversation no one wants to have, but it is one you must. Children feel the truth, even when it's unsaid.
● Be clear and age-appropriate. For a young child: "Dad was a soldier. He was hurt very badly in a battle, and his body stopped working. This is called dying. It means he won't be coming back. We won't be able to see him, but we can remember him, and his love will stay with us forever.● Use the word "death" or "died." Euphemisms like "passed away," "gone to sleep," or "lost" are confusing for children and can create a fear of sleep or of "losing" other people.● Reassure them. Make it clear this was not their fault and that you will be there to take care of them.
2. Create a Safe Harbor for Emotions
Your child needs to know that all of their feelings are allowed.
● Normalize their feelings. When you see them struggling, give their emotion a name. "I see you are feeling so angry right now. It's normal to feel angry. It hurts so much to lose someone we love."● Listen more than you speak. Set aside dedicated time, even just 10 minutes, where you are fully present. Let them talk without judgment or interruption.● Model healthy emotions. It is okay for them to see you sad. Say, "I'm feeling very sad today because I miss dad." This gives them permission to feel their own sadness, too.● Stay close during outbursts. When they are crying or angry, just be present. Your calm presence is a message: "I'm here. I am not afraid of your feelings. I will help you get through this."
3. Maintain the Anchors of Daily Life
In a world turned upside down, routines are a form of safety.
● Preserve routines: As much as possible, stick to familiar schedules for meals, school, and bedtime.● Keep traditions: Continue to prepare breakfast together on Saturdays or have a family movie night. These small rituals provide stability.● Encourage play and creativity. Grief is work, and for children, play is their language. Let them draw. Let them write. Even if they want to play "war" or "funeral," this is a normal way for them to process and make sense of what has happened.
4. Use Words That Heal
The language we use around grief matters deeply. Small shifts can make a big difference.
● Instead of: "Don't cry, you have to be strong."● Say: "It's okay to cry. You have every right to be sad. I am right here with you."● Instead of: "Life goes on, you'll forget."● Say: "I know how hard this is for you right now. We will never forget him. If you want to talk about dad, I am always here to listen."
You are not alone on this journey
Navigating your own grief while supporting a grieving child is one of the hardest things any parent will ever do. Please remember this: You do not have to do it alone.
Our organization is here for you. We provide professional, compassionate support specifically for children who have lost a parent in the war.
Our support for you: "CHILDREN OF FALLEN SOLDIERS"
This is a free program designed to support children of fallen military personnel.
● Peer Support Groups: We offer online groups (7-8 children) that meet weekly. In this safe space, your child can share their experiences, reduce stress, and learn resilience with others who truly understand.● Parent Support: You can join our dedicated chat for parents to share your own experiences and receive support from our specialists and other families.
To learn more and enroll your child, please visit the "Children of Fallen Soldiers" project page on our website to fill out the questionnaire. Participation is free.
Your child has already lost one hero. Let us help you be the one who guides them home.
Navigating the unseen: guiding our children through the loss of a parent in war
Author: Diana PakhomovaPublished: April 30, 2025
"Mom, why can't I do that?!"
A six-year-old boy’s cry echoes in the supermarket. He throws a candy wrapper on the floor, his small body trembling with an anxiety he cannot name.
The young woman quickly picks up the wrapper. She tries to hug her son, but he resists. "You're angry, and that's normal," she says quietly. "I'm here. We'll get through this."
The boy sobs, collapsing to the floor. "I want to see my dad! Why hasn't he come? You said he'd come back!"
The woman freezes, the public space fading away. She crouches beside him. "Let's buy your favorite juice," she whispers, "and we can talk about dad at home?" He nods slowly, letting his mother wipe his tears.
This moment is a glimpse into a private battlefield. Children who have lost a parent to war must navigate two realities at once: the external world, which keeps moving, and the internal world, a place of profound pain and the constant, echoing absence of their loved one.
They may still play, laugh, and go to school, but deep down, they are grappling with a loss that even adults struggle to comprehend.
Understanding their world: what childhood grief looks like
There is no single "right" way to grieve, especially for a child. As psychologists, we see grief manifest in myriad ways. Some children fall silent, while others ask endless questions. Some "freeze," showing no emotion at all, while others, like the boy in the market, express their pain through anger, impulsivity, or defiance.
War forces children to grow up too soon. Often, they see the pain in their surviving parent's eyes and decide to hide their own grief, believing they must be "strong" to avoid causing more sadness.
It is crucial for guardians to recognize that these confusing behaviors are often grief in disguise.
● For children under 5: They may not understand the permanence of death and keep waiting for their parent to return.● For children aged 6-12: They begin to understand death's finality but may be plagued by "magical thinking," believing they are somehow at fault. Relieving this guilt is essential.● For teenagers: Their grief often looks like anger, depression, or a deep loss of trust in the world and its fairness.
Signs a child may be grieving silently
Because children often can't or won't articulate their feelings, their bodies and behaviors do it for them. Pay attention to:
● Developmental Regression: A child who was long potty-trained suddenly has accidents, or an older child insists on sleeping in an adult's bed.● "Frozen" Feelings: A complete lack of emotional reaction, as if the loss didn't happe● Physical Symptoms: Frequent, unexplained headaches or stomachaches, especially before school or social events.● Difficulty Concentrating: A sudden drop in grades, "forgetting" homework, or losing interest in activities they once loved.● Excessive Anxiety: A new, intense fear of being alone or a constant, pressing need to know where the surviving parent is.● Social Changes: Abruptly pulling away from old friends or, conversely, seeking out other children who have experienced a similar loss.
These are all normal, natural reactions. However, if a child remains "stuck" in one of these states, it is a sign they need supportive intervention.
How you can help: a path to healing
As a parent or guardian, you are the most important anchor in your child's life. Your support is their lifeline. Here are ways you can help them navigate this impossible journey.
1. Be Honest, Gently
It is a conversation no one wants to have, but it is one you must. Children feel the truth, even when it's unsaid.
● Be clear and age-appropriate. For a young child: "Dad was a soldier. He was hurt very badly in a battle, and his body stopped working. This is called dying. It means he won't be coming back. We won't be able to see him, but we can remember him, and his love will stay with us forever.● Use the word "death" or "died." Euphemisms like "passed away," "gone to sleep," or "lost" are confusing for children and can create a fear of sleep or of "losing" other people.● Reassure them. Make it clear this was not their fault and that you will be there to take care of them.
2. Create a Safe Harbor for Emotions
Your child needs to know that all of their feelings are allowed.
● Normalize their feelings. When you see them struggling, give their emotion a name. "I see you are feeling so angry right now. It's normal to feel angry. It hurts so much to lose someone we love."● Listen more than you speak. Set aside dedicated time, even just 10 minutes, where you are fully present. Let them talk without judgment or interruption.● Model healthy emotions. It is okay for them to see you sad. Say, "I'm feeling very sad today because I miss dad." This gives them permission to feel their own sadness, too.● Stay close during outbursts. When they are crying or angry, just be present. Your calm presence is a message: "I'm here. I am not afraid of your feelings. I will help you get through this."
3. Maintain the Anchors of Daily Life
In a world turned upside down, routines are a form of safety.
● Preserve routines: As much as possible, stick to familiar schedules for meals, school, and bedtime.● Keep traditions: Continue to prepare breakfast together on Saturdays or have a family movie night. These small rituals provide stability.● Encourage play and creativity. Grief is work, and for children, play is their language. Let them draw. Let them write. Even if they want to play "war" or "funeral," this is a normal way for them to process and make sense of what has happened.
4. Use Words That Heal
The language we use around grief matters deeply. Small shifts can make a big difference.
● Instead of: "Don't cry, you have to be strong."● Say: "It's okay to cry. You have every right to be sad. I am right here with you."● Instead of: "Life goes on, you'll forget."● Say: "I know how hard this is for you right now. We will never forget him. If you want to talk about dad, I am always here to listen."
You are not alone on this journey
Navigating your own grief while supporting a grieving child is one of the hardest things any parent will ever do. Please remember this: You do not have to do it alone.
Our organization is here for you. We provide professional, compassionate support specifically for children who have lost a parent in the war.
Our support for you: "CHILDREN OF FALLEN SOLDIERS"
This is a free program designed to support children of fallen military personnel.
● Peer Support Groups: We offer online groups (7-8 children) that meet weekly. In this safe space, your child can share their experiences, reduce stress, and learn resilience with others who truly understand.● Parent Support: You can join our dedicated chat for parents to share your own experiences and receive support from our specialists and other families.
To learn more and enroll your child, please visit the "Children of Fallen Soldiers" project page on our website to fill out the questionnaire. Participation is free.
Your child has already lost one hero. Let us help you be the one who guides them home.